MeTamOrphoSis

Countdown

2012-01-30T23:05:00.000-08:00

Counting the days left until that day,

Yes... i'm nearly there, to that moment.

Days passed so fast. So fast that I couldn't even notice how fast it were. (Sigh) I'm trying to cope up with everything. I am.

"Monday na pd?".

And I haven't even done any big step to finish my thesis. I just spent the whole week with a bunch of report assignments, studying for exams and all. There is so much to do.

Sometimes, I just sit down and think, think, think. It's breaking the hell out me. And in the end of the day, I got stuck up.

I'm counting again. Could I make it?

I know I'm not alone on this kind of feeling. Could we make it?

If I were to answer that for us... well, it would be, "We should".

T muh!

2011-08-26T01:07:00.000-07:00

Damu-damu nagid sang natabu sa to pang paglakat muh. Kun indi ko malipat, puro lng gid to kasubu and nabatyagan ko. T, indi ko man mapunggan mung. Kairinit gni. ambot ah.

Krun nga lapit kana pgpuli, daw gina kulbaan ko. Kay kun paminsarun ko gid ang mga nabatyagan ko, daw madula na bala haw. Ambot ah, bsi krun lng ni. bsi mbalik lng ang balatyagun ko sa imu,

Amu gid na sa guru. Kun mamangkut sa akun, ang isaot ko lng. "t muh".

Allopatrically Isolated

2011-08-05T09:46:00.000-07:00

it was last month, no last 2 months that I have left home to have my senior year continued...gush.. I felt terribly alone. Specially that kuya also left. I missed everyone. My family and my home. My own bed, and my own room.

Gush how I miss this place.

Catching with time for love and education...

2011-07-01T21:57:00.000-07:00

I still have few hours

2011-06-12T19:37:00.000-07:00

It was June 9. Still fresh in my mind and always will be.

He left. I seldom found myself crying for someone I know that will still come back. But still, I cried. Harder and harder.

I forced my swelling eyes to open. It’s already morning. Moments from now, he’s gonna be on board. On board on a ship that will take him away from me. “6 months is just too short, we can make it” I remembered him say last night. “Of course we can” I immediately replied. But those words made a deep cut into my heart. I almost cried.

That night was a mixture of fear and sadness. Great sadness. We’re always together for the last several months. Walking in streets looking for centavos, keeping our hands tight looking for a place to eat, and just wandering around to where our feet would take us.

Cracking jokes, best laughs, best food, best moments, and being with him. With him. Everything worked out. I missed him. I really miss him this much.

Those few hours were being treasured today, and everyday of my life. Now, I’m learning to adjust and working hard just to accept that I am bound to like the word I hate the most. Waiting.

Being bitter

2011-06-12T19:15:00.000-07:00

People passes our lives, it may be for the purpose of just knowing you..or maybe in some instances, they became a special someone or an unforgettable enemy.

Like just other people’s lives, I had my own version of a “kontrabida” and a super exceptional personality of a person I met.He is indeed unique. Unique of being a story maker and a total idiot. I have a feeling of pity for him. He do not know what he is doing, and maybe, God forbid, he may end up floating in Banica river with his 100% useless attitude, trash life and a super stupid kind of character.

I never judged a person immediately. But this time, I know I am right. I have proven it many times and this one I know he don’t know himself. Pity for him, pity for him.

He longed for everything and he can’t have it. The understanding, love and passion of being on the center stage is all that he wants.

I thought that he was just an ordinary person you can encounter on streets, school and in an ordinary life of yours. He is not that type. He loves to make controversies, and to see other people’s lives shatter is his sort of entertainment.

I became bitter towards him. Because of him.

Now I’m facing stories of my life which were not true. Of course made by him.I wonder if he has a personality disorder or just maybe, a defective genes or mutation became the cause of his misbehavior. I tried to understand, but I can’t. Instead I became so bitter that I can cut him into pieces for doing that to me. Being bitter, totally… totally. He made a big mistake and I will make sure that I have my last laugh on this. Every game is about winning. Every problem is a victory. And those that will hinder it will suffer.

Learning how to Speak for Myself

2011-03-17T09:45:00.000-07:00

Maybe I can consider this as another lesson I've learned as a college student, "No matter how deep is your friendship, there will always a time that you will be considered as a competitor (real one) and selfisness will arise".

So what if I'm really affected? It's just I'm so surprised the way she treated us. To think that there are only three of us in our batch, she never hesitated and even just to think twice before uttering words that can greatly hurt our feelings. She's the most numb person I have ever met. She has her own world and don't consider us if what would be our reactions upon her actions and most especially her attitude as a whole.

She's never like this before. For almost three years of being together, I have reached the capacity of my patience and I just blowed my heart out and letting these revealations come out from where it was hidden for years. Me and my ever "walang ingay" batchmate never attempted to express what we really feel towards our " feeling great" batchmate hoping that she will change and all that. Unfortunately, she didn't, she even got worse that's why I have blown off.....Waaaaappppaaaaakkk!!!!

To start it off, let me just begin with her ever rightious self and her attitude of being always having the right answer, the right ideas, the right decisions and all the right things was owned by her. We really don't know what's up to her why she's not ashamed or even just a little humble of whatever knowledge she may have knowing that not all of what she knows was true. In relation to this, she never hesitates to tell somebody "TO USE YOUR BRAIN EVEN JUST FOR NOW!" just to satisfy herself that she have already done enough.

This problem of her personality even got worse, as what I have mentioned, up to the point of lying in front of or faces! Her selfisness and her personal interests maybe eaten her up which pushed her to convince us with her very inconvincible face that she has the very controversial whatsoever. She even hesitated to tell the truth and continue with her little lying drama. I was not totally after of that, all I can't accept is that she made us all "tanga" as if we are. As if she can fool us with her little lies. I can't beleive she can do that to us. My trust has never been this broken ever and the respect I have given her totally fade away.

I'm not into friendship now if it only means I would not be my true self to her. It's better this way, keeping a distance from the person I can't get along with anymore than to make the problem bigger. Standing up for yourself sometimes can give a big relief from what you really feel inside and to make the other person realize what she have done "ky basin manhid na siya kaayo, or nagpakamanhid rah" that can even make her interpret that we are just okay to whatever she may say. "Mangabusar na laman sige".

So that was it, I just didn't include all of the other issues for I may just get even more mad at her.

2010-12-31T05:26:00.000-08:00

So, this would be my last post this year haizt..

Can't imagine how time flies... I can still remember the last year's 2010 countdown, and now we'll be having that the same countdown again, but for 2011. This year is a mixture of laughters, pains, fears, dreams, endings, beginnings and hopes.

Laughters for the great celebrations of passing subjects, meeting new faces at work and beer tables, boyfriends (hahaha), another birthday celebration of my life, overnights and passing the yearbook on time, and maybe for realizing that I'm already a "grown-up". Pains for failing some subjects, hurting other people's feelings, not meeting others' expectations, being left by some people I love, letting go of something or someone I really want and sacrificing my own happiness for others. Fears for subjects that I will be taking, new responsibilities in the office, to much expectations from others, not meeting deadlines and the fear of being alone sometimes. Dreams!!! Wew, last year's dreams are so gigantic, aheheh, I guess I'll carry it to next year. Endings of my responsibilities as the SK Chair, the end of the very childish and "laagan" jabee and the end of making fun of my relationships. Of course, last year was also the beginning of the more mature jabee and the beginning of looking back at the things that were left behind and kept inside. Beginning of letting go of the grudges, hatreds and hopes for someone to come back. Accepting that some things are not really meant. Lastly the hope. Hope on everything will be just fine. ALL IS WELL. I love the movie 3 idiots which taught me a lot of things in life.

So, this year?? Maybe I''ll put back a lot of happiness on it, a little of pain, a bunch of dreams again, a bucket of laughters, a river of beginnings also with some endings and of course an ocean of hopes... Happy New Year!!!

...

2010-11-21T15:10:00.000-08:00

Life has never been this busy.

I am getting so lazy and pabaya lately, but with these new responsibilities I am facing right now, I am really forcing myself to do this... to do that, and everything. Last semester of my college life will be considered as the worst one so far. I am going out every night. As in, hanging out with friends and going home in the morning already. I don't know what's into me those times. Even though I never left my responsibilities in Pylon and in school, I can already feel the consequences with the low performances I have given.

My third year in college and in this course is very much harder than I thought. All I'm wondering is, I am not even bothered or worry to have low scores at all! Which is pretty much alarming. Aside from the fact that the I am busy with the office works right now which is considerable I think, I still managed to go out with friends up to the point of over using my body for not having rests at all. My boardmate scolded at me once, "Pahuway pd jol!, ky ug dli mu.overnyt sa office, musalaag pd!". Tsk Tsk, I was touched, really. And I realized, she was right.

I should minimize my gimiks and have a time for myself to go to bed just atleast to give myself a break from sleepless nights for about six months now. I realized that I should manage my time well now. I decided to go back to my normal study habits and as long as I can, I will not go out for some time.

Enough for the mistakes and all the blunders in my life. I've done everything I want, and let's just charge it all on experience.

From the Place That I Have Been Hiding...

2010-10-24T16:37:00.000-07:00

I can't believe how time flies and finally this day had finally come! Ahmm, I have these mixed emotions that I have to write all of these down.

So, it's my last day now as an SK chairwoman of Poblacion, Mabinay. It brings me happiness, of course sadness...and maybe a feeling of great relief from all the responsibilities I have to face as a leader (knowing that I am also a college student on a faraway university and a writer as well).

The three years of being on the position has been a tough and a very rocky ride. At the age of 16, I became a politician outside the school and forced myself to be mature enough for the sake of doing all the new challenges that awaits me. I never knew that it would be that hard for me. Things leveled up to a hieght that I can't even reach at all. Sometimes, things are too stirred up and I can't fixed them anymore. There are also times that I felt so alone, no one's left to help me carry the heavy burden and continue the hardest journey I ever had.

Great mistakes were all part of the journey. The things I never really thought happened to me and I just thank God that despite with all of these, I was able to stand up and never gave up. I have so many plans that were left only on printed papers and never had a chance to realize it. In some point of my life, I have this major grudge on my fellow officers. Some never really care, and some are considered by me as hindrances on my projects (let just say they really are). Criticisms were never out with all of these. People are so judgmental (specially in our place) up to the point of tearing you apart. I have shed a lot of tears since from my very first year up to now. The sad part of this is, those people mentioned are the ones who have their college degrees and they so believe on thereselves that they are so upright! (which they are not, mga great pretenders!). I just so hate this people, and someday I'll gonna prove something that will leave an enormous slap on their faces! Weeew!!, the was a great relief.

To go on....Little by little, I learned how to love the position. Instead of hating myself of being there, I learned how to adjust and embraced the office I have acquired. The experience taught me a lot. How to make "deadma" on issues, to socialize with all the prominent persons in the community, learned how to communicate efficiently with a total stranger during seminars, and of course to value my own money. These lessons in life made a stronger person. It made me dream of something bigger for myself and I have to reach it.

All in all, I have these positive and negative effects in my life as a result of being a politician in such a young age. I am into leadership, but maybe not into politics. I never close my doors for opportunities but I have this desire to finish my studies with flying colors. Being on a higher rank is good, receiving benefits is very good, but I beleive that I have to really work for it. Not like this. Not like, pretending that you are worth for what you receive.For now, I think I have to bid goodbye on the work that I have learned to live with. Saying googbye always hurts, but when it brings sorrow more that happiness, it's worth leaving it after all.

Candidates of todays' elections, whoever will takeover my chair, it's your time now. It may be just a small part of the political industry, but never ever forget that everything starts from this level. A lot of things awaits. Be ready.

And all of these came from the place that I have been hiding for the last three years...

Maybe Happy Ending is just, Moving On...

2010-10-17T09:09:00.000-07:00

Girls had a lot of stuffs growing up:

· if a guy punches you he likes you

· never try to trim your own bangs,

· And someday, u will meet a wonderful guy and your very own happy ending.

Every movie we see, every story were told implores us to wait for it. The unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule. That sometimes we are so focused on finding our happy endings, we don’t know how to read the signs. How to tell the ones who wants us and from the ones who don’t. The ones who will stay, from the ones who will leave.

And maybe this happy ending doesn’t include the wonderful guy, maybe it’s you, on your own. Picking up the pieces and starting over. Framing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is just moving on. Or maybe the happy ending is this: knowing that no more waiting for phone calls and broken hearts, through all the plunders and misread signals, thru all the pain and embarrassment you, never ever gave up hope.

From the movie “He’s just not that into you”.

At last

2010-10-15T21:41:00.000-07:00

Here I am again, reminiscing everything happened. I still love him.Maybe. But why I didn't get hurt when I knew that he has somebody new? I just feel happy that I saw him again after almost two years of waiting for this day to come. The worst thing is, I never thot that we are this close after all. He is just around the corner! ahmmm, not around the corner but in front of my building. So how long was that?

Gush I am really surprised that we are only 10 steps apart. After several months I haven't noticed it. This is awkward! A total game from destiny.

I don't know how to react. It's stopping all my nerves. But how come that I just knew it now? It's very very very impossible. The long time of waiting has finally ended. Hopefully, I can free myself from thinking all about him now. It's enough to know that he is still here, atleast I know that he is really still here, there, very very near. I'm not really hoping for him to come back but I'm not going force myself from forgetting something that is worth remembering.

So happy.

..shifts(",)

2010-09-28T12:15:00.000-07:00

This is long overdue.

Matagal na talaga ito eh..

Super.

So when was this? last few months when we visited NORSU Bayawan-Sta. Catalina Campus. A very hot and exciting trip. Gush, it was a very tiring visit and I got super tanned.

Aside from the fact that at last I went to another unforgettable escape from my academic works, I also discovered a new avenue for an exciting and stress relieving activity " taking pictures".

Oh well, I just knew that taking pictures and taking them as if you were really a photographer is super fun! Grrrrr... I just have a passion, maybe.

One thing I have realized. Everyone loves their pictures taken, and you, as a photographer is happy with it.

2010-09-13T06:59:00.000-07:00

Sa una ta ka makita abi ko ikaw na gid bala

ako nadarama pirmi taka nadamguhan

indi ko mahambal sa imu kung anong ginabatyag ko

pro ginpili ko nga indi ka pghambalan.

kun bal an mo lang tani

ang akon na nabatyagan

pilion mu pa ayhan ang pagpalangga ko.

kun bal an mo lang tani

ikaw lng ang palanggaon ko

hasta gid sa katapusan tani imu mabatyagan.

abi ko kaya ko na, mabuhi nga wla kana

dri ko nagsala sa isip indi ka madula.

ako my mabatyagan indi ko na gid mapunggan

ano gid bala,

tani kita na nga duha.

pro batunon ko tanan kung wla gd pag.asa

ang pagpalangga ko ngani

sang wla gid naguba.

Kun Bal an Mo LAng TAni

-Angelkym

Smiles, laughters

farewells and Goodbyes

2010-09-13T03:29:00.000-07:00

Life is uncertain.

Life can be either good, or bad...

Life cannot be predicted.

Yes. I hate life..

Somehow, somewhere in my heart... I cant't bare the pain inside.

Why do we live, grow and die?

Why do we meet people and soon we'll say goodbye?

Why?

Please tell me.WHY?

Friendship.

Family Member.

Kuya.

Who else?

Scorching pain.

Never ending tears.

Heartaches.

Sleepless nights.

I can't take it.

I just can't.

HElP me.

Please.;'(

We broke up..

Tita died last night. Her cancer got so complicated.

A farewell to our very good friend KATE. They are moving to California. We will miss her. hai..

It's not goodbye for all of us. I know.

My Great Escapes

2010-09-03T21:45:00.000-07:00

Saturday (August 28, 2010)

2AM

Departure From Dumaguete ( Gush)

4AM

Arrival in Mabinay (Sleep2)

Niambak pjd ko amua gate!WLA my muabri…heheh,,ala kblo cla mama bya..

8AM

Rise and Shine Jabee!!

10AM

On my way to Tara, Mabinay…

We have to cross 3 rivers and 1 stream, this is the 2^nd one…

Stream..
Ilang road nga murag 3n1 coffee wehehe..

last river njd!
Dedication of my niece.

4PM

Back to Poblacion, Mabinay

7PM

Ride back to Dgte>>>GRrrrr…

Sunday (August 29, 2010)

5:30PM

Gow sa Basay Neg.Occ.for our field study (Huhu)

Ayaw kasab.e ate..heheh
A nice ride on a DA vehicle from Bayawan to the Mountains of Cabigtian, Basay

Yeah..back to basics atmo!

Top of the world!!weeeeehhhhh!!
Pagatban Bridge,
Work! work! Work!
Upstream

Monday (August 30, 2010)

5AM

Cook Breakfast
7AM

midstream

A ride on a boat with me on the front jd…nyahaha
Against the current na ha!! so bigat kaya the boat noh..

3PM

Back to Dgte.
Uli name…su tyrd…
Mga Strekta!

5PM

Arrival at Dgte.

7PM

Uli npd ko Mabinay! (WeeEw!)

10PM

Naabot me house(gama field report until 1AM)

Tuesday (August 31, 2010)

8AM

NORSU Mabinay Convocation (yaba2 with Pylonites)
Sukol…hehe

At honey’s.
3PM

Back to Dgte! (wahahahah)

AMEN…

*The experiences were so damn tiring and yet I really enjoyed it a lot. I almost get myself so comfortable sleeping on a bus. I already get used to it because of those hectic schedules I am gone with. I just so thank God for giving me extra energy during those days.

update

2010-08-24T03:18:00.000-07:00

Correction diay!!

My my microbiology exam is not a laboratory exam...but a MIDTERM EXAM!

What the...

What a day>>

2010-08-24T03:13:00.000-07:00

Sh-t! I am so damn mad right now. The day started so bad that it drove me freaking angry with all the people around me! A total b—lsh-t and a terrible mess>>>!!!rrrRRRRrrr.. I SO HATE

· The laundry shop which kept me waiting for my washed clothes for about an hour.

· ______ for being so slow on fixing herself and for that

· We are very late in the lecture in SU about biology

· I saw the girl from our town that I hate

· _____ lost our visitor’s pass so we still have to convince the guard to give us our id’s and the one who lost it will be just the one who will look for it. (unfortunately, she didn’t found it!)

· I haven’t returned the soil kit to DA and no one’s even a little concerned to help me with that!

· I spilled my viand all over my shirt..waaaAAAAAAAAhhhhh….!!

· We just had a fight with my Bf and he just slept over it.

· My sister kept the cleaning kit of my lappy and forgot where she put it. (My lappy is very much dusty!!)

And to finish it all. I cried..a Lot…

oOOps I forgot..

I have a laboratory exam this afternoon. F-ck!!! Where’s my notes!?!

Someone borrowed it..Yeah right..

Perfect.

--------------------------------------------------------------

Oh my….

2010-08-24T03:08:00.001-07:00

“Everything's over but the tears, whether it's tears of sorrow or joy is a matter for you to decide. When the last straw falls, you might finally reconcile a painful past that could exist more in your head than in reality. Regardless of where the fear lies, its effect on your love life is still valid and powerful. The impact of letting memories keep you down may be severe, especially if you roll over and play dead. All good and bad things must come to an end. This might be the time for you to learn to let go of old wounds, heartbreak and injustices that could be hurting or controlling your relationships. The ensuing release, relief or liberation that arrives after this key realization can leave you free to begin again and undertake a new chapter in your relationship or love life.”

- So true… it’s from my tarot again.

That’s it. I know. Since from the start I already knew that time like this will come. The funny thing is some incidents in life just like this tarot I have makes everything a little more concrete than it usually be. Lately, I already decided to let go but not completely ended the bitter past. After then, I read this on my email. Well, maybe it’s just a coincident, but then, it had all the true things I want to express: letting go, starting all over again, healing the wounds and injustices, and stop being so dead over him.

So maybe, this is really the right time to relieve myself from the fantasies I have in my mind. Be in reality and be human again. Tsk, tsk…

2010-08-18T11:41:00.000-07:00

Little by little, I am now learning how to love myself again. I'm taking it one step at a time and having very careful moves as to protect myself from crushing again. Little by little, I learned how to move on, how to smile the real smile I've been missing, and to give life its another try.

I have been so unfair with all the special friends that I have been with while I am still picking myself up. I'm done with picking up the little pieces of me, I am now fixing my own self which I think is much harder than I thought it would be. And now, I'll just think that everyday would be my last as to make it perfect and memorable. I felt so sorry with all the things that I have done to them,They do not deserve what I have done. But all I can do now is regret for using them to relieve my sorrow and pain I been keeping inside.

Neglecting what would they feel means nothing to me before just to ease the scorching pain I feel. It took me a long time just to realize that these things are not their responsibilities as to take the same fate I am going through. I regretted, but it's too late. That someone who's responsible for breaking my heart influenced me a lot up to the point of hurting others.

After a year of fooling around and crying over him the whole time, I think I have finally found someone who can make me stay and be happy again. Even though everything is not yet that stable, I think and I can feel that i would be settled down once again. The feeling is so unexpected for I thought that I am already very numb and emotionless. I just woke up one day being so in love with him, and hoping that our love love story won't end at all.

I found someone who's going to wipe my tears now. At last.

brdm8z!

2010-08-18T11:08:00.000-07:00

I am always obsessed and paranoid about pets and other living chuvanes that I can take good care of. I feel so inspired and stress free when I am close to nature and having long trips along the greeny and healthful environment.

The fresh and relaxing cool breeze soothes deep in my skin that can really ease every pain and problems that I always keep inside me. Haiii... I wish I could stay long out there in the woods reminiscing all the happy moments I had in my life.

Anyways, before I could say something very dramatic again, the real purpose of this post is to introduce to you guyz with my new friends here in my room. They really don't give me boring moments here in my boarding house and giving me an opportunity to appreciate nature instead.

Meet my Friend KUY!

And the whole group!!! ang mga d'barkadz na mga wla pang pangalan... help me name my new friends plzz...

Ribbons

2010-08-07T23:58:00.000-07:00

Exams, midterms, quizzes, reports...Duh.. These things knocks my head off!! I have to study piles and piles of books just to pass every subject that I am taking up now. The topics are so broad that I don't even know where to start reading.

My eyebags now are so heavy that it already drops on the floor and the best thing to do with them is to make ribbons out of my cute blackish eyebags. Whew! so busy that I only got 3-5 hour sleep every night lastweek. My animal developmental subject really punishes my whole being. Drawing specimens out of what you are looking under the microscope for several hours really makes my eyes bulge and things will really get blurry afterwards.

Eventhough midterm exams are going on last week, my microbiology laboratory works must also be done on the same week. Having cultures of several bacteria is a good experience for me and my classmates but the experiments were a total hassle.

All I know now is to keep on striving hard and to stay on focus. Even though sometimes I read my lessons just for the sake of reading, I must always keep the fire burning inside me and be who I want to be someday.

'We didn't plan it -- it just happened.'''

2010-07-27T08:04:00.001-07:00

As in.

Yes, it's true. We never really planned it, it just happened.

Before you can think of anything else, let me just inform you that it is just a passage from my daily love tarot. Yes it is. I can't really relate but I think it is pertaining to that special someone who's very close to me right now. I am just a nobody to his life before, and so was he is in mine. I only knew him due to the fact that we live on the same town where we both spent our childhood years.

Well, it all began when he and his friends came here in Dumaguete and they invited me to go out with them. Aside from the fact that I am so bored at home, I decided to join them for I want to unwind myself from thick books and all chuvanes... HE is so much younger than me. That's why it never, ever entered into my mind that we will be this close. Very Close.

We share same interests in life and I love being with him. I never thought that we will be this compatible and...everything. Ahmm, I just woke up one day thinking about him, us. The feeling is mutual between us and I'm very much serious in taking things to the next higher level.tsk,tsk..

We never planned for this thing to happen. The feelings just brought us together and maybe, just maybe, this is right.

Hopefully, it is really for me this time.I think I'll just take things slowly and even more cautious now. I'm sick of failed relationships.

Rice Cooker!

2010-07-26T07:35:00.000-07:00

Thank you so much Pylonites for that very very very amazing birthday party for me and hapi face! I really enjoyed everything about it. I really appreciate all of your efforts specially when you presented a song number for us and the super shocking icing eklavush!

Aside from that very memorable icing moment, our never ending and always present charades got me into tears of joy specially these unforgettable MOVIES, SONGS, AND PYLON THINGS:

Boogie man,speaker , alone, and Rice cooker!!!

Kaila jd ko ani ai...

Tears

2010-07-26T07:03:00.000-07:00

So what it really means to me?

As of now, it doesn't mean a lot at all. Writing to relieve myself from certain troubles in life is still my best escape but it turned out to be my best avenue to express everything I really want to say. Dramas in life are always here and never will leave me. Yeah right, all those made everything so difficult.

I am freely writing my random ideas now. So, sa mkarelate rah.

This is how rambled my thoughts right now are. I don't know how to put things where they should be. I have been so freaking bad and unorganized lately. I frequently stay late at night doing nothing and going to my classes being not ready to the lessons on that day. Duhh!! I hate how I let things to go this way.

I have been trying to revive myself everyday and bring back the lost self inside me. Unfortunately, I can't find Jabee. I miss myself so much that I don't even know where I should start to find her.

The kind of determination in everything that I do slowly fades away from my gasps and I don't know any way just to prevent that to happen.

Dreams while on the Pylon Comforter..tsk tsk

2010-07-22T16:43:00.000-07:00

A very funny dream indeed. Of all the people here on earth, the one who was on my dream is my classmate in my Literature class. I didn't really expect that that person would be in my dream because he is just like one of your ordinary classmates you meet every MWF of your class schedule. Anyways, I don't really understand the dream at all. All I can remember is, he is my boyfriend and we are in the river at Lumbangan, Mabinay (I think, haha). The worst thing is, we are going to help someone who we just meet at the road to wash her laundry.

Can anyone interpret the dream for me? It made me curious if it really means something or its just the influence of our very comfortable Pylon comforter which really needs to be washed!!

piso Piso

2010-07-21T06:05:00.000-07:00

Oh my.. My dream of filling up a coin bank really came true! Just this Tuesday, I decided to "make Pabuo" the coins that I have been saving in about a couple of months already. It consisted of one peso coins and about a hundred 25 cents. Weew! I really had a hard time counting all those coins.

Regen and I decided to go to the PNB but they cannot accommodate our request and referred us to the Noreco 2 instead. Luckily, people in the Noreco 2 were very in need of "dabok" money. They even rushed in order for them to exchange their bills with my coins. The experience was very funny and enjoyable as well. The effort of saving few coins each day gave me a sum of P631.00. Not bad.

The only thing that made me sad is that, I really forgot to take a picture of those precious coins I saved.. Hai sayang. But anyway, I am looking forward for the time that I'm gonna bring heavy coins in my backpack again.

Newbies

2010-07-20T05:51:00.000-07:00

Life can never be this good. I mean, I am very busy but I'm enjoying this feeling. This is what I always want to feel. I love what I am doing with my life and it always keeps me going. Despite the very busy schedule and fast approaching deadlines, I can still manage to go out and refresh my stressful mind.
Last week was one of the best and worst times of my life.Hhahah, yah quite confusing but let me explain about it.
First of all, it was one of the best weeks of my life because I meet new real friends who never left me. And I don't want to elaborate more about that. hehe...Secondly, it was the best feeling ever! I lost my own consciousness and maybe became insane at that time... Heaven. ahahha...anyways it was also the worst experience because I am so ashamed of what I've done!God, I really don't remember the things I actually did.
All in all, the event happened to me and my new circle of friends is amazing!!

2010-06-02T07:01:00.000-07:00

Summer has ended and the official school year will start!wew.. i only have one week vacation. This is the first time that i have summer classes and i did not even noticed that i'm an incoming junior college student already. I hope i will have better grades now for i have plans for my proper med. course if ever i will be given a chance.

Frwndz>>>

2010-06-01T18:21:00.000-07:00

Thank you for the memories we've shared and for the coming experiences we will gonna have.

Summer 2010!

2010-05-18T20:57:00.000-07:00

This is the most busy summer i ever had! Hai,.. aside from having summer classes i also had my duty at the tissue laboratory from 9-11 in the morning daily. I'm really enjoying my time spent here at school. I have also visited a lot of beaches! First, i went to Sta. monica beach resort together with the Pylonites for the yearbook camp, then the tree hauz beach resort of Bacong. After that, my church family had a family day at Tiling Beach Cauayan then lastly, i went to Apo Island just last two weeks.

Whhew, I became so tanned and sunburn is the worst thing i had. Hahaha, but still i have no regrets..

Overnights at the office really made me tired but i really love it too. Aside from the fact that i sooo love this group, i can also spent my time productively. Work has already been started and i'm glad that the graduates of Pylon are still very willing to assist us specially ate janj and ate beeya..

i'm gonna post some pics later,,hehe..

2010-02-03T06:09:00.000-08:00

I'M back...not yet ready to write...sad

libug na kau ko

2009-10-11T03:09:00.000-07:00

ambot lng pero libog naman jd kau ko...i don't rally know what's the right deciosion krun.I mean, I'm really caught in the middle again and I think things are gonna make me insane.Char,over kau,,

Finally

2009-10-04T06:22:00.000-07:00

ahmmm...I really dont know what to say...still,im quite confused...keeping myself busy helps a lot..

RRRRRRRRrrrrrr

2009-09-25T07:39:00.000-07:00

Things are getting a lil bit harsh lately.Ala lng, gnahan rpd ko harsh.ashsihi,,,,,,,daghan ng members s arouse club................so tired studying my boring lessons......But atleast two weeks more to go nlang...May bukas pa...........ahaha

Sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeppppyyyyyyyyy.....

2009-09-24T02:09:00.001-07:00

I really haven't slept a lot last night.But Still I have no regrets.ashishi......

Pylon Fever

2009-09-23T12:28:00.000-07:00

I never felt so "belonged" ever before...It felt like I'm back home at last.

Missing you

2009-09-02T06:31:00.000-07:00

This past few days has been a great battle that i fought..fighting the feeling of missing you is so tough.....Temptations are everywhere.......trust me lng po...

How?

2009-07-16T18:14:00.000-07:00

"One last cry,one last cry.Before I leave it all behind."Goes a part of the lyrics of a familiar song.I guess that's it.I have to give my one last cry and put him out of my mind...but never in my heart.'Cause no matter what I do, there's still that connection between us that we cannot run nor hide.
Every sunrise that happens everyday gives me a very tiny hope that I can still be what I am before he came and influence every inch of me.It's a great battle I fought which really crushed my entire life.Never in my scariest dreams that this thing will happen.The truth always hunts me at night and kills me slowly.
I would like to start from the very beginning.When I am still alive.Not like this,a lifeless creature.I should be strong I know.But every piece of me aches in severe pain.The reality is here.I should accept that his existence makes my world miserable, and I must leave and rest for myself. The sad thing is, he is my world. How can i leave it?

2009-06-21T07:48:00.000-07:00

I got a little upset today...I cried a lot.....

As of Now......

2009-06-17T18:25:00.000-07:00

Things have really change and I like it a bit....My busy schedule is quite helpful indeed.I want things to be just this way I guess....But sometimes I can't help it,I just sit down in a corner and cry.Thinking of the little things I got behind me and just stare at nowhere for quite sometime.I've been so alone for about a month now and I'm starting to like it.I don't know.Maybe I just need a break.....

Coping...

2009-06-14T19:49:00.000-07:00

It all started with a simple text message and ended with an awful crap.I do not usually regret with the things that made me happy in the past but with this fact which happened to me,I eventually did...

I'll Stay

2009-06-08T05:36:00.000-07:00

I know this will be the hardest thing for me to forget and to go on on my journey.It's been weeks already.I really miss that someone.Someone who I can really call mine but I just neglected.And now,I know that no matter what I do,I can never have him back again.And no matter how I cry,it's too late already.Until now,I'll still exchange the whole world just to feel his existence,to feel his every breath,and to feel his every longing.I missed him a lot.But I know he can never be mine again.This has been the greatest mistake I've ever done.
I know life will never be the same again.This feeling inside me is killing ever inch of my soul.The path I'm taking right now is too tough for me to handle.We've have ended in such a way I never expected and it's torturing my young mind.He's too close and yet I cannot reach him.I want to be whole again...I cannot bare the pain I'm having right now.Things are too complicated and I cannot let go.Pieces of me are scattered,I can't find any of them.I want to be back to someone's side who can make me whole again.He have taken a the large part of me which I cannot have it back.I'm miserable.Totally crushed and broken.WE SAID LET GO,BUT I KEEP ON HANGING ON.INSIDE I KNOW IT'S OVER,YOU'RE REALLY GONE...BUT STILL,ILL STAY IN LOVE WITH YOU.....

My Debut Plans

2009-04-22T23:44:00.000-07:00

Hi guyz!!! I already have my motif for my debut this coming july 11.......i decided that it will be an all-white party just like what we have on our acquaintance in CAS department last year.Unfortunately,I still don't have my final list on my 18 roses and candles.I'm pretty much excited about the fact in which to whom I'll be sharing my last dance on that night.Of course, I already have my clue but still everything can still change since I still have two more months to finalize everything.I am also nervous 'cause there are still a lot of things to prepare aside from the food or course. I decided to have Butterflies as my give aways and as for the invitation,I still don't have the layout.I am going to ask help from my friends about it and for that particular staff who will cover the whole event for me.I'm open for suggestions guyz....

Sizzling Summer

2009-04-15T19:21:00.000-07:00

Wheew,its been terribly hot this passed few weeks.I'm so busy due to the summer league I've been facilitating.We started it last Sunday and it's been going quite fine.i don't still have the cash prizes though,hehehe....Being a SK chairman in our place is an enjoyable job, yet it can get you totally tired after a day of work.Its never easy in my part since I'm still a student and of course a minor.A lot of decision making will come across your way and they are really knocks your head off.But anyway,the position really helped me in my financial needs and it made me a stronger person indeed.I know God will help me.......Good day guyz.......

It's Complicated

2009-03-26T19:53:00.000-07:00

Life is indeed a cycle.Once you've became very happy,eventually you'll become the saddest person afterwards.If you can't be that one,then you'll be the other thing instead.Sometimes we can ask,can I have what I want?
I never expected that we will end like this.The reason might be that heavy that I've already learned how to let go,still it damn hurts.It's not the love that has been gone,but it's the trust that has been broken.It's not that the memories are bad,but it's just too good for me to forget.It does not literarily means to forget the past,but to accept that it will now become a beautiful part of that past.It doesn't mean to forget him,but it's how to learn the art of letting go.
Holding on to someone knowing that he can never be totally yours is just letting yourself killed unintentionally.It's never easy to turn your back to someone you have been dreaming to spend your entire life with.But if that happiness gives an enormous pain in return,live it.It may be hard at first,but as time goes you'll know that you have made the right thing.
Giving your all doesn't mean you will die if you'll broke up.It only proves that you are a good person and it's already up to him to give the same.Your instinct will tell you when to go on,and when to stop.Pretending that you are still okay has never been an option to have a good relationship.Being blind is not a characteristic of love which is given by God.It sees but doesn't mind.Hence,we are just fooling ourselves.There's no one else who will be experiencing the ultimate consequence but still ourselves.Despite of the fact that we know this realization ,we always tend to prove that it is wrong until we experience it and say "i knew it that this will happen".
Blaming ourselves will come right after that,and wished we have took the other road behind.And the truth is here,nothing you can do about it,but just to cry out loud and hope that the pain won't last long.Not longer before you will give up.It's just like that,you just have to get up each time you fall.And life will reward you with someone better who will handle your heart as if it is his.TC ney.......

It's For You

2009-03-25T20:14:00.000-07:00

Everyone of us dreams of a happy ending in our different unique stories.I also have my own,and I know you also have.It is just we do not know how will it flow and end as we all have want it to be.The funny thing about it is characters are keep on twisting their roles.Know what I mean?yeah I know you do.It is just hard to accept that the person you have always been giving your full trust will be just the one who will pull you down and crush you into million pieces.And yet,you still forgive that person with all those little pieces left.How are we so dumb-founded by those sad realities indeed.Eventually,we are starting to hate ourselves and and the way we think.Ooh,such an awful agony you'll be experiencing...But you should think that its not that bad after all. They are still your old friends to whom you have spent many years together, even in some ways they have caused you a terrible pain in which you think you can't bear anymore.I'll never barter that friendship into a cheap issue I know I can overcome with.I may not give my forgiveness now,but I know someday I can.The only permanent thing in this world is change which only tells me that this pain I'm experiencing now will just vanish and it will let me start all over again.The trust may never be regained, but the memories of that trust I have given will always be kept.

Can't Understand Either

2009-03-25T02:03:00.000-07:00

Life can be so tough and it can be a complete picture of the other thing around.Of course,we always think that it is always unfair,right?Like me,I've always wanted everything to be on my own way and in such a convenient one.But unfortunately,things just got their own way of showing theirselves which are really unfavorable for me,I guess.Just what Hagrid,a famous character in Harry Potter series,"What's coming will come,and we will meet them when it does".In my everyday life,I've been searching those answers that bugged me every now and then,which I think can satisfy me to end my agony.Why do things go on that way,what if I've done that.....oohhh,it just can't get passed through my brain.But well, I can't do anything about it unless I will take into account what Dumbledore said "Understanding is the first step to acceptance,and only with acceptance can there be recovery".Which I think have its weight.