“All this stuff you’re managing… You’re not supposed to be managing it. You’re supposed to be feeling it… grief, loss, pain. It is normal. It is. It is normal. It’s not normal to you ‘cause you’ve never done it. Instead of feeling it, feeling the grief and the pain, you’ve shoved it all down and you do drugs instead.
Instead of moving through the pain, you run from it. Instead of dealing with being hurt and alone and afraid that this horrible, empty feeling is all there is, I run from it. I run off, and I sign up for another tour of active duty. We do these things. We run off, and we… we medicate. We do whatever it takes to cover it up and dull the sensation, but it’s not normal. We’re supposed to feel. We’re supposed to… Love… And hate… And hurt… And grieve and break and… Be destroyed and… Rebuild ourselves to be destroyed again. That is human. That is humanity. That’s being alive. That’s the point. That’s the entire point. Don’t… don’t avoid it. Don’t… Extinguish it.”
Countdown
Counting the days left until that day,
Yes... i'm nearly there, to that moment.
Days passed so fast. So fast that I couldn't even notice how fast it were. (Sigh) I'm trying to cope up with everything. I am.
"Monday na pd?".
And I haven't even done any big step to finish my thesis. I just spent the whole week with a bunch of report assignments, studying for exams and all. There is so much to do.
Sometimes, I just sit down and think, think, think. It's breaking the hell out me. And in the end of the day, I got stuck up.
I'm counting again. Could I make it?
I know I'm not alone on this kind of feeling. Could we make it?
If I were to answer that for us... well, it would be, "We should".
T muh!
Damu-damu nagid sang natabu sa to pang paglakat muh. Kun indi ko malipat, puro lng gid to kasubu and nabatyagan ko. T, indi ko man mapunggan mung. Kairinit gni. ambot ah.
Krun nga lapit kana pgpuli, daw gina kulbaan ko. Kay kun paminsarun ko gid ang mga nabatyagan ko, daw madula na bala haw. Ambot ah, bsi krun lng ni. bsi mbalik lng ang balatyagun ko sa imu,
Amu gid na sa guru. Kun mamangkut sa akun, ang isaot ko lng. "t muh".
Krun nga lapit kana pgpuli, daw gina kulbaan ko. Kay kun paminsarun ko gid ang mga nabatyagan ko, daw madula na bala haw. Ambot ah, bsi krun lng ni. bsi mbalik lng ang balatyagun ko sa imu,
Amu gid na sa guru. Kun mamangkut sa akun, ang isaot ko lng. "t muh".
Allopatrically Isolated
it was last month, no last 2 months that I have left home to have my senior year continued...gush.. I felt terribly alone. Specially that kuya also left. I missed everyone. My family and my home. My own bed, and my own room.
Gush how I miss this place.
I still have few hours
It was June 9. Still fresh in my mind and always will be.
He left. I seldom found myself crying for someone I know that will still come back. But still, I cried. Harder and harder.
I forced my swelling eyes to open. It’s already morning. Moments from now, he’s gonna be on board. On board on a ship that will take him away from me. “6 months is just too short, we can make it” I remembered him say last night. “Of course we can” I immediately replied. But those words made a deep cut into my heart. I almost cried.
That night was a mixture of fear and sadness. Great sadness. We’re always together for the last several months. Walking in streets looking for centavos, keeping our hands tight looking for a place to eat, and just wandering around to where our feet would take us.
Cracking jokes, best laughs, best food, best moments, and being with him. With him. Everything worked out. I missed him. I really miss him this much.
Those few hours were being treasured today, and everyday of my life. Now, I’m learning to adjust and working hard just to accept that I am bound to like the word I hate the most. Waiting.
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