Catching with time for love and education...

I still have few hours

It was June 9. Still fresh in my mind and always will be.

He left. I seldom found myself crying for someone I know that will still come back. But still, I cried. Harder and harder.

I forced my swelling eyes to open. It’s already morning. Moments from now, he’s gonna be on board. On board on a ship that will take him away from me. “6 months is just too short, we can make it” I remembered him say last night. “Of course we can” I immediately replied. But those words made a deep cut into my heart. I almost cried.

That night was a mixture of fear and sadness. Great sadness. We’re always together for the last several months. Walking in streets looking for centavos, keeping our hands tight looking for a place to eat, and just wandering around to where our feet would take us.

Cracking jokes, best laughs, best food, best moments, and being with him. With him. Everything worked out. I missed him. I really miss him this much.

Those few hours were being treasured today, and everyday of my life. Now, I’m learning to adjust and working hard just to accept that I am bound to like the word I hate the most. Waiting.

Being bitter

People passes our lives, it may be for the purpose of just knowing you..or maybe in some instances, they became a special someone or an unforgettable enemy.

Like just other people’s lives, I had my own version of a “kontrabida” and a super exceptional personality of a person I met.He is indeed unique. Unique of being a story maker and a total idiot. I have a feeling of pity for him. He do not know what he is doing, and maybe, God forbid, he may end up floating in Banica river with his 100% useless attitude, trash life and a super stupid kind of character.

I never judged a person immediately. But this time, I know I am right. I have proven it many times and this one I know he don’t know himself. Pity for him, pity for him.

He longed for everything and he can’t have it. The understanding, love and passion of being on the center stage is all that he wants.

I thought that he was just an ordinary person you can encounter on streets, school and in an ordinary life of yours. He is not that type. He loves to make controversies, and to see other people’s lives shatter is his sort of entertainment.

I became bitter towards him. Because of him.

Now I’m facing stories of my life which were not true. Of course made by him.I wonder if he has a personality disorder or just maybe, a defective genes or mutation became the cause of his misbehavior. I tried to understand, but I can’t. Instead I became so bitter that I can cut him into pieces for doing that to me. Being bitter, totally… totally. He made a big mistake and I will make sure that I have my last laugh on this. Every game is about winning. Every problem is a victory. And those that will hinder it will suffer.

Learning how to Speak for Myself

Maybe I can consider this as another lesson I've learned as a college student, "No matter how deep is your friendship, there will always a time that you will be considered as a competitor (real one) and selfisness will arise".

So what if I'm really affected? It's just I'm so surprised the way she treated us. To think that there are only three of us in our batch, she never hesitated and even just to think twice before uttering words that can greatly hurt our feelings. She's the most numb person I have ever met. She has her own world and don't consider us if what would be our reactions upon her actions and most especially her attitude as a whole.

She's never like this before. For almost three years of being together, I have reached the capacity of my patience and I just blowed my heart out and letting these revealations come out from where it was hidden for years. Me and my ever "walang ingay" batchmate never attempted to express what we really feel towards our " feeling great" batchmate hoping that she will change and all that. Unfortunately, she didn't, she even got worse that's why I have blown off.....Waaaaappppaaaaakkk!!!!

To start it off, let me just begin with her ever rightious self and her attitude of being always having the right answer, the right ideas, the right decisions and all the right things was owned by her. We really don't know what's up to her why she's not ashamed or even just a little humble of whatever knowledge she may have knowing that not all of what she knows was true. In relation to this, she never hesitates to tell somebody "TO USE YOUR BRAIN EVEN JUST FOR NOW!" just to satisfy herself that she have already done enough.

This problem of her personality even got worse, as what I have mentioned, up to the point of lying in front of or faces! Her selfisness and her personal interests maybe eaten her up which pushed her to convince us with her very inconvincible face that she has the very controversial whatsoever. She even hesitated to tell the truth and continue with her little lying drama. I was not totally after of that, all I can't accept is that she made us all "tanga" as if we are. As if she can fool us with her little lies. I can't beleive she can do that to us. My trust has never been this broken ever and the respect I have given her totally fade away.

I'm not into friendship now if it only means I would not be my true self to her. It's better this way, keeping a distance from the person I can't get along with anymore than to make the problem bigger. Standing up for yourself sometimes can give a big relief from what you really feel inside and to make the other person realize what she have done "ky basin manhid na siya kaayo, or nagpakamanhid rah" that can even make her interpret that we are just okay to whatever she may say. "Mangabusar na laman sige".

So that was it, I just didn't include all of the other issues for I may just get even more mad at her.

So, this would be my last post this year haizt..

Can't imagine how time flies... I can still remember the last year's 2010 countdown, and now we'll be having that the same countdown again, but for 2011. This year is a mixture of laughters, pains, fears, dreams, endings, beginnings and hopes.

Laughters for the great celebrations of passing subjects, meeting new faces at work and beer tables, boyfriends (hahaha), another birthday celebration of my life, overnights and passing the yearbook on time, and maybe for realizing that I'm already a "grown-up". Pains for failing some subjects, hurting other people's feelings, not meeting others' expectations, being left by some people I love, letting go of something or someone I really want and sacrificing my own happiness for others. Fears for subjects that I will be taking, new responsibilities in the office, to much expectations from others, not meeting deadlines and the fear of being alone sometimes. Dreams!!! Wew, last year's dreams are so gigantic, aheheh, I guess I'll carry it to next year. Endings of my responsibilities as the SK Chair, the end of the very childish and "laagan" jabee and the end of making fun of my relationships. Of course, last year was also the beginning of the more mature jabee and the beginning of looking back at the things that were left behind and kept inside. Beginning of letting go of the grudges, hatreds and hopes for someone to come back. Accepting that some things are not really meant. Lastly the hope. Hope on everything will be just fine. ALL IS WELL. I love the movie 3 idiots which taught me a lot of things in life.

So, this year?? Maybe I''ll put back a lot of happiness on it, a little of pain, a bunch of dreams again, a bucket of laughters, a river of beginnings also with some endings and of course an ocean of hopes... Happy New Year!!!

...

Life has never been this busy.

I am getting so lazy and pabaya lately, but with these new responsibilities I am facing right now, I am really forcing myself to do this... to do that, and everything. Last semester of my college life will be considered as the worst one so far. I am going out every night. As in, hanging out with friends and going home in the morning already. I don't know what's into me those times. Even though I never left my responsibilities in Pylon and in school, I can already feel the consequences with the low performances I have given.

My third year in college and in this course is very much harder than I thought. All I'm wondering is, I am not even bothered or worry to have low scores at all! Which is pretty much alarming. Aside from the fact that the I am busy with the office works right now which is considerable I think, I still managed to go out with friends up to the point of over using my body for not having rests at all. My boardmate scolded at me once, "Pahuway pd jol!, ky ug dli mu.overnyt sa office, musalaag pd!". Tsk Tsk, I was touched, really. And I realized, she was right.

I should minimize my gimiks and have a time for myself to go to bed just atleast to give myself a break from sleepless nights for about six months now. I realized that I should manage my time well now. I decided to go back to my normal study habits and as long as I can, I will not go out for some time.

Enough for the mistakes and all the blunders in my life. I've done everything I want, and let's just charge it all on experience.

From the Place That I Have Been Hiding...

I can't believe how time flies and finally this day had finally come! Ahmm, I have these mixed emotions that I have to write all of these down.

So, it's my last day now as an SK chairwoman of Poblacion, Mabinay. It brings me happiness, of course sadness...and maybe a feeling of great relief from all the responsibilities I have to face as a leader (knowing that I am also a college student on a faraway university and a writer as well).

The three years of being on the position has been a tough and a very rocky ride. At the age of 16, I became a politician outside the school and forced myself to be mature enough for the sake of doing all the new challenges that awaits me. I never knew that it would be that hard for me. Things leveled up to a hieght that I can't even reach at all. Sometimes, things are too stirred up and I can't fixed them anymore. There are also times that I felt so alone, no one's left to help me carry the heavy burden and continue the hardest journey I ever had.

Great mistakes were all part of the journey. The things I never really thought happened to me and I just thank God that despite with all of these, I was able to stand up and never gave up. I have so many plans that were left only on printed papers and never had a chance to realize it. In some point of my life, I have this major grudge on my fellow officers. Some never really care, and some are considered by me as hindrances on my projects (let just say they really are). Criticisms were never out with all of these. People are so judgmental (specially in our place) up to the point of tearing you apart. I have shed a lot of tears since from my very first year up to now. The sad part of this is, those people mentioned are the ones who have their college degrees and they so believe on thereselves that they are so upright! (which they are not, mga great pretenders!). I just so hate this people, and someday I'll gonna prove something that will leave an enormous slap on their faces! Weeew!!, the was a great relief.

To go on....Little by little, I learned how to love the position. Instead of hating myself of being there, I learned how to adjust and embraced the office I have acquired. The experience taught me a lot. How to make "deadma" on issues, to socialize with all the prominent persons in the community, learned how to communicate efficiently with a total stranger during seminars, and of course to value my own money. These lessons in life made a stronger person. It made me dream of something bigger for myself and I have to reach it.

All in all, I have these positive and negative effects in my life as a result of being a politician in such a young age. I am into leadership, but maybe not into politics. I never close my doors for opportunities but I have this desire to finish my studies with flying colors. Being on a higher rank is good, receiving benefits is very good, but I beleive that I have to really work for it. Not like this. Not like, pretending that you are worth for what you receive.For now, I think I have to bid goodbye on the work that I have learned to live with. Saying googbye always hurts, but when it brings sorrow more that happiness, it's worth leaving it after all.

Candidates of todays' elections, whoever will takeover my chair, it's your time now. It may be just a small part of the political industry, but never ever forget that everything starts from this level. A lot of things awaits. Be ready.

And all of these came from the place that I have been hiding for the last three years...